


Dysphoria

by orphan_account



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FTM Katsuki Yuuri, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, vent - Freeform, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 19:56:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11387298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Yuuri is alone for too long and has time to think about everything.





	Dysphoria

Yuuri lay in bed staring at the ceiling emotionlessly. Everything around him meant nothing in this moment when his mind could only stay on the one subject his mind constantly brought him back to. Some days weren't as bad as others and he'd just forget about it, but when it was bad it really was one of the worst feelings he had ever experienced. He had realised why he felt all of this a few years ago when he was fifteen, why when he would look in the mirror he would hate what he would see. Why when he looked in the mirror he would think he was fat and when he took his pants off he hated what he hid underneath. He wasn't always known as a "he" or as "Yuuri" either because you see Yuuri was born as "Tsubasa" and used "she" and "her" pronouns. Ever since he was a little"girl" he always had felt out of place, he had boys as friends and never hung out with girl because they didn't play with action figures, they didn't play adventure and explore, they didn't wear shorts and a t-shirt when they went out and they didn't give him weird looks and label him "freak" and "weirdo". Time passed and Yuuri felt out of place as a teenager. All the girls his age were confident about their curves, wearing tight clothing to show it off, having breasts and using a push-up bra. They painted their nails, curled their long hair and beat their face with makeup. Tsubasa thought there was something wrong with her and felt out of her element so she grew her hair out, went shopping when she was free on the weekends, wore tight clothing and push-up bra's. But she felt worse than before, she couldn't explain the feeling but it just felt wrong. Every day she would struggle to even get out of bed because the thought of knowing what lay ahead of her was awful. Years struggle and she got her first phone which of course had internet, the first thing she wanted to do was find out why the hell she felt like this. So she googled different terms and came across one that she identified with completely; 

Transgender.

She felt like she identified with that so much and asked about it through countless websites. She saw a gender therapist and came to terms that she was in fact transgender. She can out to some close friends and family, lots of people accepted her becoming a him and corrected themselves when they dead named and misgendered him. Some people weren't as accepting and he had lost some friends but he had to accept that those people were not benefitting him at all. He took a hormonal shot in his leg every week to develop as a boy which made him feel happier than he had ever felt and got a chest binder too.

 

So why was it now that he felt dysphoric again? He lived with Victor, who always assured him that he was handsome and his amazing BOYfriend and just made him feel special in general regardless of what genitals he had. This past week Victor had been on a business trip in Denmark leaving Yuuri alone with Makkachin. And for the last four days he had been okay, sure it got lonely at times but he had Makka and he could walk around the streets. Today officially marked five days without Victor and Yuuri just woke up feeling sad. He knew why though. He looked in the mirror and his mind went into a dark place. His boobs had gotten bigger and the muscle he had from skating looked more "pudgey". He went onto the scales Victor had and found out that he weighed another four kilograms after the last season. He lay in bed emotionlessly, overthinking. He knew how to handle this. He'd call Victor.

Dialing the number with trembling hands, he pressed call and began to shake even more as he kept thinking in the silence of their home. He felt his stomach drop as his thoughts got even worse. Stomach churning voices entered his mind and every inch of skin covering felt as if it shouldn't be there. He just needed everything to stop.

"Yuuri?"

The ebony haired boy sniffled in reply and let loose a soft cry.

"Yuuri, baby, breath with me,"

He could hear Victor making his breathing audible into the microphone for Yuuri to copy. Slow and steady intakes of oxygen from his loving boyfriend made him feel so much better.

"Denmark's airport has a snow storm so the flight has been moved and I came back to Russia. I was just about to call you and tell. I'll be home in an hour darling. My phone's about to die." And he hung up. Just like that. Not even an "are you okay?" or "I love you." It just ended like that. He just didn't want to talk. Yeah who cared about Yuuri anyways Victor doesn't miss him.

 

 

An hour passed and Yuuri had bawled his eyes out, face flushed, eyes red and swollen and every inch of him trembled. He just wanted to rip every bit of flesh that covered him off until he was a pile of bones. He wanted right now in this moment for everything to stop moving so all was at peace. He didn't want to die exactly he just wanted to disappear so he didn't think or feel anymore. Why couldn't he just be born a normal boy? So he didn't have to stick a needle in his leg every week, so he didn't have to get surgery to get his chest flat, so he didn't have to use toys to have sex, so he didn't feel like a freak. Although if he got surgery it would make him a lot happier but he knew he'd never truly be happy in his body. And that one lingering thought terrified him. He just wanted to be happy. He let loose a scream and began bawling again. His heart racing as fast as his head. He thought he would seep with thought at any moment, it already seemed to be happening as it spilled from his eyes. Everything came to a stop when he heard the door open and loud footsteps could be heard running towards his and Victor's bedroom in which he was weeping in. His shaking limbs failed him to get up, making him cry louder and harder. Everything felt better as the footsteps became a person, with big muscular arms that wrapped around him, a gentle voice that was louder everything in his head, and a loving grasp that protected him from falling apart right then and there.

"Shh, Yuuri. It's okay. I'm right here. I love you so so much."

A choked sob came in reply that was soon muffled by Victor's chest.

"It's okay darling. I'm right here. I'm always gonna be here. I'm not leaving you. I'm staying beside you. I love you more than anything."

His breathing was still fast.

"Breathe with me angel," he took a deep breath in, Yuuri copied. Deep breath out, Yuuri copied. They did this a few times until Yuuri could it on his own.

"What happened? It's okay to tell me, I won't judge you, I'll listen and try my hardest to help, just know that I love you so so much."

Another deep breath, "I was alone a-and and I weighed myself. I gained four kilo's and my breasts got bigger and I got curvier. I'm just so fucking sorry that I can never be a real boy for you. That I can never truly be the boyfriend you want. I'm so sorry for being this way." 

"Yuuri," he looked up at Victor, "you are the most handsome, the kindest, the most loving, and the manliest man I know. Whether you have breasts, curves and a vagina does not concern me whatsoever because I am in love with you. And I mean all of you. I don't want you, Yuuri; I need you. Without you I wouldn't have found my two L words. Life and love. I have the most handsome baby boy ever. My beautiful prince. Mine. I need him to know that whatever he's feeling I will help him feel better. I'd take time out of my daily life to help keep him happy. If you want to loose weight again I can help you exercise and motivate you. If you want to cry, cry next to me. If you want me to love you, that's already done. Just please please remember that I love you and I know you're perfect and so does everybody else." Victor kissed Yuuri's breast. It was intimate but not sexual. Victor did this again, moving lower down, lifting his shirt up to kiss his stretch marks along his stomach and his, kissing his thighs and then lastly moving to kiss his lips. He lay Yuuri down on their matress and lay beside him, one arm around his waist and another massaging his scalp. 

"Thank you, Vitya. I love you so much." He said with a yawn.

"I love you more, my handsome man." 

Victor knew his boyfriend would have more episodes like this, but he was ready to take them all on with him.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the best way I could describe dysphoria in a fic and it honestly sucks...


End file.
